Toren Atkinson’s Absolute Blog

I have black hair again – at last I can be truly emo. Something you may not know about me is that my upper lip hair (I guess I could have said moustache) is very reddish compared to the rest of my hair. Hmm, yes. Intriguing.

Say, does anyone have a tape-to-tape recorder that I could borrow some time in the near future? I need to get on this c:>/Fastur Octopus! Krill! Krill!/Damn the Torpedoes/Whatever music side project thing

Here are some interesting news items from this week and last week:

LAST WEEK:

A giant star was observed eating three planets.

Physicists in Romania created gaseous plasma blobs that grow, replicate themselves, and communicate, suggesting that life might emerge in a wider variety of conditions than scientists have thought possible.

The Galileo spacecraft crashed into Jupiter.

THIS WEEK

The Computer and Communications Industry Association released a report warning that the US government’s growing reliance on Microsoft operating systems and software was exposing federal computer networks to “massive, cascading failures.” The author of the report was fired the next day by his employer, a consulting firm that does business with Microsoft.

The recording industry let it be known that it was promoting a “stealing is bad” curriculum for the nation’s schools that will include classes on the history of copyright and games such as Starving Artist, a role-playing game in which children pretend to be musicians who no longer receive royalties because their work has been copied on the Internet.

Six thousand Segway scooters were recalled because they tend to throw their riders when the battery gets low. President Bush was photographed falling off one of the $4,950 scooters in June, though he had simply neglected to turn it on.

Charlton Heston was named as the first recipient of the Charlton Heston Prize.

There was a new Enterprise last week. When I saw the ad for this episode, I was so confident it was going to suck that I didn’t bother to tape it. I was right.

Boos: a) T’Pol once said that Vulcans don’t touch their food with their hands, or some such. Well, she sure touched that peach pretty handedly (haha). b) Even if I didn’t know what this episode was about, when they went down to the planet the first thing I said (to myself of course, alone in the room) was “why aren’t you wearing environmental suits?” c) Okay, I’m confused – did Trip have to find T’Pol’s DNA by finding a peach? Am I to understand that the doctor doesn’t have all the crew’s DNA on file?

Yays: a) At last a black alien race. b) That dead alien was cool.

I am pleased to present (in my own way) the newest monsterpiece by Chris Woods, “Nighthawk”

My mom’s worried about me because I haven’t posted to my blog since Tuesday. I’m OK Mom!

Last night I had my birthday auction – it was lots of fun, lots of people came, including (in order of appearance) Stuey (well he lives here), Yvonne, Don, Tim, Carina, Anghold, Chris Woods, Angie, Tasha, Jon, Pauline, Denzil, Neal, Raymond, Rowan, Adrian, Stephane, Sheri, Kathryn, Chris Slater, Marlo, Norm, Jenn, Theo, Kate, Chris Gibbins, Lynn, James, ummmm…others. The only things I kept were a little garbage can, two sound effects CDs, a VHS copy of La Femme Nakita, and Mike Nelson’s book “Mind Over Matters.” Oh I look forward to that one, although I am still slogging through Kavalier and Clay. I left my pocketbook copy of The Big Sleep at the Railway Club when we played there last month. It’s going to cost me $30 to pick it up as I said I would pay for a mic stand somebody broke (that somebody might be me). More hassle than the $30 is that I’ll probably never be by the Railway Club during its business hours until the next time we play there (which, if tradition holds, will be another 9 years – 1994:2003:2012?)
Also Chris ‘n’ Angie gave me a gift card for Futureshop! Perhaps I’ll spend it on a DVD of Miller’s Crossing or Spirited Away (or both). I don’t know if the Futureshop near here actually sells DVDs – but I’ll find a way.

Just in case you don’t know, a birthday auction is something that I came up with a few years ago (I think this was my 3rd), and it works like this:

Instead of the regular boring “a party is thrown and people bring gifts”, a party is thrown, and people bring crap from around the house that they’ve been looking to get rid of: books, toys, CDs, lampshades, video games, gewgaws, white elephants–these items they donate to the pile (auction block). Party-goers also bring a bit of jack (bread, as Harvey Pekar would say). You can guess what happens then, but if you can’t, I’ll type it out: Everything gets auctioned off and the birthday star gets all the cash, to do with what he/she/it will. Bills may be paid, habits may be supported, fine dining may be had, who’s to say? It’s actually a lot of fun, as I’m sure you can attest if you were there. Highlights include fine catering by Anghold, the six dollar monkey, filthy-sounding Disney song titles, and…what else?

The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Author

I thought of another band name today – Damn The Torpedoes.

And now, it’s story time… and YOU’RE THE STAR!!!

Have you ever had an odd, annoying or amusing experience making a dinner reservation, checking in at the airport with tickets you’ve bought online, or trying to register for school over the phone? Did a receptionist or telephone operator give you a hard time, or were they just stupid?

I’m writing “skits” for an ESL book and the current topic I’m working on is this kind of stuff. If you have any stories on this topic you’d like to relay – I may use them in the writing and then your story would be immortalized in print, read by hundreds if not thousands of ESL students.

To quote Monty Python, any help you could give us would be very…helpful.

TV Guilt-be-gone

I am listening to Dashboard Confessional. Thank you, Clone High.

I’ve rediscovered something that makes me feel pleasant – watching TV in bed. Maybe it’s nothing more than the impending transition from summer to autumn, I don’t know, but while I was having my little Enterprise marathon, instead of going to bed and reading, I would go to bed and watch an episode or two. There is nowhere better to watch TV than in bed, I have decided. It’s warm, cozy, horizontal, and I don’t know – maybe it’s nostalgia hitting me from doing it a lot when I was younger, but it strikes me as kind of romantic. It’s not something I’ve done a lot of lately, but I aims ta change that. I feel a little guilty, vegging out in front of the idiot box rather than “improving myself” by reading, but to that I say: whatever.

Speaking of marathons, Yvonne’s roommate has never seen The Muppets, so we were talking about having a little Muppet marathon. I’m looking forward to it. I got some of my favourite episodes on tape through a trade a year or two ago (on Stephane’s behalf, actually). My favourite is the one with Steve Martin. What’s yours?

What are you working on right now? Well forget it – go visit Procrasti Nation…

You know those surveys that get passed around via email…you know the kind I’m talking about…the last one I got went like this:

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? how to increase the value of your time on the internet (step 1 – stop taking silly quizzes)
3. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? my mouse. duh!
6. FAVORITE SMELL? ummmmmm east indian food?
9. FAVORITE COLOR? iridescent
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? why would I answer the phone? That’s why I bought the machine.
17. STORMS – COOL OR SCARY? how close is it and am I inside or outside?
19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? God. I think that counts as both, doesn’t it?
30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 2. One for me and one for you.

…yeah those ones. Well now you’ll never have to waste your time sending emails around, because I’ve put one on the web, for all eternity. So go here http://www.my3q.com/home2/22/thickets/74335.phtml
for the not-quite-definitive-internet-waste-of-time. Just click on NEXT to get started.

Wow. Today I put on eBay two old Thickets demo tapes that I found. They’re already up to $52 US. That’s nutty!

First Flight 050 While Enterprise is investigating a nebula, Archer hears that A.G. Robinson, his old rival in the early days of the NX test program, has died.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz… huh? What?

Bounty 051 A Tellarite bounty hunter captures Archer intending to turn him over to the Klingons for a substantial reward.

Definitely a stronger episode. I liked the bounty hunter – he was a good actor under all that makeup. Boos: I thought the comeraderie between them was a bit much. Also – as if the Klingon’s wouldn’t get wise that the handcuffs were ‘fixed.’

The Expanse 052 When a probe from an unknown alien source unleashes a devastating assault upon Earth, Enterprise is recalled, then sent to search for the perpetrators.

Uh yeah, I never saw this one.

The Xindi 053 Captain Archer and his crew set out to gain information about the mysterious and antagonistic Xindi race.

I don’t like where the series is going with this third season. It reminds me too much of Voyager. Anyway, this episode had a good premise. I’m already getting tired of Captain Archer the stern, focussed, badass.

Anomaly 054 Enterprise starts experiencing effects of the spatial distortions pervading the Delphic Expanse, and falls victim to predatory aliens.

I really liked this one. Can you guess why? That’s right – space pirates! They used their transporters in an efficient manner. I like that, it should happen more often. If it were me I’d be transporting robots everywhere that shoot out transporter beacons (like Star Trek: Insurrection). As soon as you fire on a ship and its shields go down, just start transporting big chunks of the ship off into space, or better yet your cargo hold. And transport the crew into the brig. No fussAlso the anomaly business was well done.

Okay that’s it. We are now up to date. I won’t have anything more to say on the subject of Enterprise until next Wednesday at the earliest, I promise.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Hot on the heels of my grandpa’s birthday – my Grandma is 83 today. I wish Eudora could filter emails by their content rather than having to rely on the “from” or “subject” fields. Spammers are getting awfully clever these days. Oh, how I despise them.

Marauders 032 In need of fuel, Enterprise discovers a mining colony that is being controlled by Klingons who are bullying the inhabitants and hoarding their supplies.

Not a bad episode, if you don’t count T’Pol’s outrageously over-sexy catsuit. And of course, there’s the fact that the aliens look exactly like humans but with funny foreheads.

The Seventh 033 T’Pol is is dispatched by the Vulcan High Command to capture a fugitive that has eluded their authorities for nearly two decades.

Pretty dumb! Captain Archer is a big baby.

The Communicator 034 Reed and Archer retrieve a communicator left behind on an alien planet, but are captured in the process.

Oooh! Ooh ooh! They should have got the Coen Brothers to write/direct this episode. It’s a good premise, they could have made it a lot more entertaining though (though Trip’s arm being partially cloaked was nice). Boos: getting “surgically altered” to pass as aliens.

Singularity 035 On a “typical” day on Enterprise, the crew finds their routine tasks turn into uncharacteristically strange obsessions over trivial matters.

I missed this one.

Vanishing Point 036 Following her first experience in the transporter, a series of eerie events leads Hoshi to question whether she is the same person.

Horrible. Please, no more transporter accidents that result in hour-long plights. Just kill the bastards like in Star Trek the Motion Picture.

Precious Cargo 037 Trip rescues an exotic alien woman from her kidnappers, but ends up on an unexpected romantic adventure.

Sucked!

The Catwalk 038 When a deadly radioactive storm threatens Enterprise, the entire crew must take refuge for eight days in a small maintenance shaft.

Missed this one too.

Dawn 039 Trip is fired upon by a territorial alien and forced to land on the night side of a moon.

Okay, this was done before on TNG a couple of times. If you guys need some ideas, I’ve got a notebook full…

Stigma 040 T’Pol’s standing on Enterprise is threatened when it is learned that she has contracted a deadly disease.

I like the idea that mind melding has a long-term degenerative effect. I also like the idea that not all Vulcans can mind-meld.

Cease Fire 041 When a military conflict erupts between the Vulcans and Andorians, Archer is brought in as negotiator.

Not my favourite Andorian episode, but still, not too bad.

Future Tense 042 Enterprise finds a small craft adrift in space that contains what appears to be a human corpse, one the Suliban and the Tholians both try to retrieve.

Yays: Tholians! Yeah! Mysterious dead guy who is part human, part vulcan, part terrellian, part Rigellian.

Canamar 043 Archer and Tucker are mistakenly arrested and placed on a prisoner transport vessel bound for the penal colony Canamar.

Missed this one too.

The Crossing 044 Enterprise is swallowed by an otherworldly vessel occupied by noncorporeal creatures who seek to trade consciousnesses with the crew members.

Eugh. Typical Star Trek non-corporeal entities that possess humans. Dull dull dull.

Judgment 045 Archer stands accused before a Klingon tribunal of conspiring against the Empire, and faces a lifetime sentence on Rura Penthe.

Even though we’ve seen this in the movies, a Klingon trial is something I think that deems a second look. I like the way they did recreations from the various P.O.V.s, but I wish the Klingon legal system were even more fucked up than they portrayed it. Too many similarities with Earth (and more specifically Western) trials.

I went to high school in Chilliwack with Jordan and Josh Pratt. Jordan drums for The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets. Josh is an artist, like me, but not like me. He listened to Voivod, as I recall. He was also in a band called Eugene’s Axe – they were very heavy and he sang. He also wrote the lyrics to the Thickets song “My Tank” and some of “Slave Ship”. He did a bunch of sketches for the Spaceship Zero cd, and they were all very cool, but when we decided to go with a 1950’s style they suddenly didn’t fit in. I did end up using one, so he got a copy of the book anyway. This is not his resume, I’m just giving you some background before I type this: I was just informed he has art on his website joshpratt.com, so if you like art, go have a look.