January:
A soldier who sued the Army for requiring him to return to Iraq was sent back to serve another tour of duty; The Army was planning to deploy knee-high robots equipped with machine guns to fight Iraqi insurgents; Rwanda said that it will attempt to try one-eighth of its population for genocide; Satanists were upset to learn that the Regina Apostolorum, a Vatican university, was going to offer courses in Satanism and exorcism. The church, said a prominent Satanist, “has the blood of countless millions on its bejeweled fingers”[see? Satanists are nice people after all]; the last reel-to-reel tape manufacturer in America went under, forcing indie rockers to hoard tapes; A four-legged, anus-less, double-penised baby was born in Nigeria; The White House refused to reimburse Washington, D.C., for inauguration expenses, which will require $11.9 million to be diverted from homeland security funds - Performers in the inaugural parade, including marching bands, bell ringers, and Civil War reenactors, were instructed not to look directly at Bush as they pass the parade stand, nor to make any sudden moves; George W. Bush was sworn in again as president, and threatened to bring “the untamed fire of freedom” to the world. In his 20-minute speech the president used the words “free,” “freedom,” and “liberty” 49 times, but never said “war” or “Iraq;” Norwegians were shocked to see the president and his family repeatedly give the University of Texas “hook ‘em, ‘horns” sign, which they interpreted as a salute to Satan, during the festivities, [AP] and sign-language users pointed out that the sign means “bullshit.” A reverse-speech expert played Bush’s inaugural address backwards and heard the messages “Hero’s gonna shell Iran” and “Bombs will make laws;” German police were searching for the those responsible for sticking miniature American flags into thousands of piles of dog excrement in public parks over the last year; A survivor of the Indian Ocean tsunami was found in his underwear eating coconuts on a tiny island 25 days after the tsunami hit; Thai officials were planning to set up a webcam in a notorious Bangkok prison to broadcast prisoners’ daily lives and the moments before their executions as a deterrent against drug crimes, but Amnesty International pointed out that most criminals are poor and without Internet access; Twelve thousand people fled their homes in Concepcion, Chile, after three pranksters ran through a beach shouting that a tsunami was approaching [jerks]; Hours after an Italian man killed himself because his wife had been in a coma for four months, she woke up. [ouch]; Scientists learned that it sometimes rains liquid methane on Saturn’s moon Titan, and a probe penetrating the moon’s thin crust revealed that the chemicals, pebbles, and ice within it is akin to creme brulee in texture. The researchers speculated that after life becomes impossible on Earth, temperatures will rise on Titan and its ice will melt, releasing oxygen that might support life; a Florida minister died at the pulpit. His last words were, “And when I go to heaven…”