Toren Atkinson’s Absolute Blog

I’ve been doing very well eating healthy for the past month. Oh sure I’ve secreted* the occasional chocolate morsel (but not a Nestle Toll House Morsel) once in a while, but generally thumbs up to me. And can I just say, holy smokes is eating ever boring. The above title quote is from an episode of Home Movies where someone comments on how Brendan lost a lot of weight. I am getting le tired of chef salads, but it’s been a series of stiff upper lips until last night, when I went over to Stephane’s for his birthday video game party. There were ketchup chips, soda pop, and a Pac-Man shaped cake, all of which I partook. Oh the scandal! We played some old school Colecovision and Atari games and some Mario Party as well (I came in dead last, even though I had enough gold coins to buy a fine fat goose for my goodly wife). Mmmm…button-mashing fun! But the bad food fiasco was mitigated by my bicycling to and fro Sherane’s which slit the throats of some of those miserable calories, and I also enjoyed a full complement of broccoli, carrots ‘n’ mushrooms with olive tapenade.

*No, not secreted, secreted.

Some people go bald, or get grey hair, right out of high school. Some people have allergies when they’re kids*. Other people go through metabolism changes sometime in their twenties. For me, the year 1998 or thereabouts is where my body played terrible, terrible tricks on me. Pick a body part, and something started to go wrong with it. I didn’t go bald, but my hair did recede a tiny bit in the corners. That’s no big deal. However, check out this shopping list of ailments that my body checked off across the board:

acid reflux
grey hair
hair growing out of my ears
jaw cysts
super-dry skin on face
allergy to some kind of tree
migraines
floaters (”muscae volitantes”)
the dribbles “down there”**
hemorrhoids
back problems***
cancer****

…and I’m sure I’m forgetting something.

*I just realized that my Mom told me I was allergic to Tide when I was a kid. I am certainly not allergic to Tide.
**more on this when I’m not at work
*** no longer could I sleep on the floor in any position I wanted without a pillow.
**** Okay I made this one up.