Toren Atkinson’s Absolute Blog

Following up on my Saturnalia post.

Jeremiah 10:2-5, 8

Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the ways of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not. They are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they must needs be borne, because they cannot go. Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good. …But they are altogether brutish and foolish: the stock is a doctrine of vanities.

Thanks to Jess for this one.

Here’s something cool in the way that nerdy things are cool - if the final episode, “Requiem” of the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon was produced, we would have seen the first ever cartoon shoggoth. Almost makes me want to do a fanart piece. Almost.

I don’t think I blogged about my experience at Futureshop a couple months ago. I had it in my head that since I had a PS2 and Guitar Hero I and II, all thanks to Stewie, I might go pick up Guitar Hero III and the guitar that comes with so I could play the other games in the collection. In the mail I received a coupon for $10 off for anything from Futureshop so I thought I’d use that as the opportunity. Now I generally avoid coupons and anything “free” because they’re not really “free” in any meaningful way - what you get instead of having to pay cash money is having to pay in time and hassle. But I figured $10 is more than the usual “99 cents off” or “buy one get one free of equal or lesser value during X hours not applicable with other specials expires in 20 minutes some restrictions apply all we need is all your personal information” bullshit so I’d give it a go.

So I toddled on down to the store on Broadway and grabbed the game with guitar and proceeded to the checkout, which in itself was a small labyrinth of confusion, since there was no real order to the queue. I was beckoned by a young white male cashier and I made a point of drawing his attention to the $10 certificate before he ran the transaction through. He looked punch-drunk at it and meandered into the back. He returned a couple minutes later seemingly having been given the go-ahead by a superior and rang through the transaction. I looked at the receipt and he had not included the $10 off. I brought this error to his attention. He promptly told me that he could not do refunds at the checkout so he printed out the transaction and told me to go to customer service, gesturing in some vague direction.

Nice.

So I wait in line before I’m attended to by one of the three clerks there. The first clerk who helps me goes in the back for a while and enlists the help of another clerk, who checks out my paperwork and then himself goes into the back for a while. This phase of the operation takes about 10-15 minutes. He has trouble with the photocopy machine. He apologizes and offers some explanation that I do not understand nor care about. He gives me documents to sign. My policy on avoiding coupons has become much more firm. I ask him for a bag since it’s raining outside. He tells me I have to take my paperwork to the person who waits at the entrance and she will give me a bag.

So, at Futureshop, it will only take four employees and about a half hour of your time to be the proud owner of Guitar Hero III in a bag that’s too small to protect from the rain.

I bring this up because one of the Christmas gifts I received this year was a gift card at Futureshop. I don’t look down at the gift by any means - I cherish my Tick Season 1 DVD - but going back to the chain made me recall that experience, especially when Chris had almost exactly the same one during this more recent visit. It boggles my mind that these franchises do so well.

The worst part is that I didn’t tell the bus driver that anything bad had happened in the restroom.

Wait, I’ll back up a bit.

I went out to Chilliwack for Christmas this year, not to see my only blood relation there but to see my near-blood relations there, mainly the Woodseses. When I was a teenager and in my early 20’s living in Chilliwack I spent many a Christmas at the house of Jean, Norman & Chris Woods, who were sort of a surrogate family to me (sorry Mom - you know I love you). Since the senior Woods are selling their house and moving out this would be the last Christmas there and I thought it would be the best opportunity to make good on my promise to come and spend some time with Jean and all the rest, and of course make sure I was well fed over the holidays! Aw yeah.

When I arrived at Chris & Angie’s place Chris was recovering from a flu bug. We had Chinese takeout at the Fugger’s but otherwise took it easy. That night Angie started her own puke-fest and spent most of Christmas Day flat out while the rest of us were enjoying butter tarts at the parental household. There was talk that I’d catch the bug too but I claimed immunity.

The next morning I was supposed to go out on the early bus from Chilliwack while Chris attended a mandatory brunch with sister-in-law, but turns out that Pam & son also got the bug, which meant that Chris & I had time to ride into Abbotsford with his sister Stephie and I cashed in one of my many giftcards to pick up The Tick Season 1 DVD. I didn’t feel at my prime all morning but I refused to believe that I would be as sick as the others.

Chris faithfully dropped me off at the bus depot but because of the holiday crowds four buses to Vancouver passed through before there was room for me to board one. I gather they had a lot of ’special charter’ buses hired for the extra passengers, as the one I boarded was not the usual Greyhound. They didn’t have mini garbage bags on the walls, or radio/tv headphone jacks, and there was a little table in the back instead of the usual amount of seats. The bonus was it was slightly more roomy and comfortable than a typical coach.

Now, some Chilliwack-Vancouver Greyhound schedules are “express” which means they go Vancouver-Coquitlam-Abbotsford-Chilliwack and beyond (or the reverse in this case), whereas most stop in Langley in between Abbotsford and Coquitlam. This roundly sucks because it adds a half hour to the trip because for some reason the depot is way, WAY off the highway. The schedule I got on was not the express.

So after waiting in line for an hour out in the cold listening to inane conversations and having an old man cut in front of me, I had to endure the long bus ride as my belly tightened and my complexion no doubt began to match that of Val Kilmer in Tombstone. I always scoff at references to the triumph of will over disease and injury because I was highly in denial even as I asked the lady on the outside seat to excuse me so I could get up and go to the restroom just, in my mind, as a precaution. I managed to get the door to the bathroom closed - but not to completely take in my new environs - as the second coming of my breakfast jetted out of my mouth. Because of this I didn’t entirely get the stream into the bowl - if one may call it that - and the puke lay just as much on the flat metal shelf that the bowl was inset as the bowl itself. The second purge came moments later and this one was more fairly aimed. I guess the bowl has some kind of sensor that tells it how full of…mass…it is as it flushed itself while I stood over it. The volume of vomit on the shelf, and the poor design of the shelf itself made it inevitable that the liquid seeped down onto the floor, and this was exacerbated as the bus pulled into the depot - reminding me of Newton’s law of motion as the braking of the bus pulled the puke on the shelf forward in a tsunami of bile and onto the cramped bathroom floor, which had no lip to speak of to prevent the puke from lapping out into the bus proper. Feeling the rush of adrenaline in that “I just puked and I won’t need to for a while at least” kind of way, I looked desperately for something to stop the flow.

Now, how many squares of toilet paper do you suppose were in the bathroom of the bus at my disposal? Well I didn’t have time to count them as I was skating around in my own sick, but I would guess 7-10. Certainly not enough to cope with what came out of my stomach. I used them all. Then I used the paper tube. Then I shudder to say I used all of the ‘used’ t.p. from the garbage which were probably full of snot or worse. I even used the flat of my hands and then “washed” them with the toilet “water” that swirled down from the top of the toilet bowl. Was this liquid water, some kind of sanitation liquid, recycled pee, or a mix of some or all of the above? I tried not to think of it. In that short time my brain even allowed me to calculate that my toque only cost $2 at Daiso and I could probably get another easily enough, but in the end I decided against using it as an impromptu Bounty the quicker picker-upper. I figured I’d done all that I could and more than most would expect considering the resources at hand.

At this point I was beginning to have some hard feelings about the Greyhound service, enough so that I dried my hands on the restroom curtains, which I felt served no purpose since the small window in there was not transparent. That’ll teach ‘em to put in a table rather than a decently-sized and -stocked bathroom! I also was rather amused by the absurdity of the situation. I thought that I had best swagger triumphantly out of the tiny door and proclaim “DO NOT GO IN THIS RESTROOM” but as it went down all I could mutter to the couple closest to the door was a sheepish “sorry.”

Thank Cthulhu the woman sitting next to me had gotten off while this fiasco was going down. I wondered how much I smelled of puke from whatever splashback may have gotten on my coat or sleeves and shoes. How many people on the bus knew - or were shortly going to know - that I had defiled their only source of bowel relief for the next half hour? But I managed to reassure myself that nobody would be able to use it anyway because there’s no toilet paper, and I’m sure they’d rather get home sooner with some unpleasant vomitesque memories than for the bus driver to delay the coach for who-knows-how-long while they hose down the john. So for the rest of the drive I kept my head down and avoided putting my hands anywhere that would come in contact with any orifices and sensitive membranes (for a change). As the trip continued the feeling of queasiness began to creep back upon me. Knowing that the restroom really wasn’t an option anymore my mind raced to come up with other plans should worse come to worst. Damn this charter coach not having the usual plastic garbage bags conveniently to my right! Would I command the driver to make an illegal stop on the highway so I could get off and be sick, leaving me stranded in Surrey somewhere? Should I get off in Coquitlam just to be safe, and then try to find transit back to Shaughnessy? Or should I just ride it out and pray for luck? I really started to feel nauseous as we were getting close to the Vancouver depot and I kept telling myself “you can make it, you can make it” even as we pulled in and I was getting off the bus. My shoes were still wet from the bathroom experience that I slipped on the stairs off the bus and almost fell on my coccyx. I bolted for the bathroom in the depot but the stalls were full. At least I was able to thoroughly wash my hands. As I waited for the stalls about a half dozen more guys came in so I just left.

The worst part is that I didn’t tell the bus driver that anything bad had happened in the restroom.

One ridiculous thing about my new place is that it’s quicker to take the skytrain all the way downtown and then catch the 98 B-line back south than to take any buses that seem to go in a southwesterly direction. As I was considering this I noticed the omnipresent line of cabs outside and thought “here’s my best Christmas present to myself.” Immediately the cabbie wanted to make small talk. Now I’m not a fan of small talk under the best of circumstances and I’m sure none of you will judge me too harshly when I tell you that the cabbie stopped his attempts after but two questions. Another ridiculous thing about my place is that trying to get across Granville in between 16th and 25th can take several minutes, so I actually had the cab drop me off a couple blocks from home. This had the bonus service of washing my shoes off in the snow.

I staggered into the house and tried to get my bearings. I sat down for a minute. I decided it was finally time to have a shower after more than 48 hours without. My shower is annoying because everything - the curtain, the shower head - is jury-rigged and quirky, but once I got in there it was a huge relief. I felt so sick that I even sat down in the tub with the shower going (I can’t have a bath without reworking the tubing) for probably about five minutes. One good thing about my place is that it takes an awful long time to use up the hot water. And then I puked again, probably about five or six surges. Glad I can’t have a bath. The shower is probably the best place to be sick - even more so than outside - because as soon as the badness comes out of your body it is immediately washed out of sight.

Again I felt relieved, but still too sick to properly dry myself off. I brought a couple of spare towels to put on the bed and pillow as I lay down. It’s funny how every minor inconvenience that you force yourself to get accustomed to when everything is well and good - like the fact that my bed is not the most comfortable in the world - become insurmountable oppressions when you’re sick as a dog. I tossed and turned for an hour or more and then went back into the bathroom for a couple more surges (no need to make use of my faithful crock pot which I had put by the bed just in case). I had taken one of my migraine pills - Tylenol with codeine - on the bus but considering I threw up my stomach contents I didn’t know how much I’d been able to absorb. I took two more and it helped immensely. I had gotten home at around 4pm and I slept until about 10. I got up, watched some DVDs on the couch and then returned to bed at around 3 or 4 am and slept until after noon. I ate for the first time in 24 hours. I washed the sick clothes but now the dryer is broken so I had to hang-dry everything.

And that is the tale of my gruesome ordeal. I think that next Christmas I will avoid the Greyhound.

Celebrating five years of Christmassy entries on Toren’s Absolute Blog.

It’s already been four years since The Temple of Gingerbread Evil. Good times. Go see the photos if you haven’t already.

In 2004 I had virtually no money and was dating Marlo. I spent a lot of time with her and her family.

In 2005 I was working a temp job at the Royal Bank, taking a Mandarin course (not the oranges), going to the gym and not being poor.

In 2006 I was working on The Shadow Out of Tim and spending time with Joyce. I was working at EmbroidMe. It was the last Christmas at the Oak Street apartment, not that anything went down there this year.

In 2007 I was still working at EmbroidMe, working on my first comic book, and getting sick with the Woods’ in Chilliwack.

I almost did another Crock experiment today but I got up too late.

This is kind of how I feel about the crock pot: click me

It’s about this time of year that I like to remind my bloggites that Christians co-opted pagan holidays, better to ease the superstitious into switching cults with a minimum of jarring religious events.

Or so they tell me.

In Rome, Saturnalia—a holiday in honor of Saturn, god of agriculture—was celebrated. Beginning in the week leading up to the winter solstice and continuing for a full month, Saturnalia was a hedonistic time, when food and drink were plentiful and the normal social order was turned upside down. For a month, slaves would become masters. Peasants were in command of the city. Business and schools were closed so that everyone could join in the fun. In addition, members of the upper classes often celebrated the birthday of Mithra, god of the sun, on December 25. For some Romans, Mithra’s birthday was the most sacred day of the year. In the early years of Christianity, Easter was the main holiday; the birth of Jesus was not celebrated. In the fourth century, church officials decided to institute the birth of Jesus as a holiday. Unfortunately, the Bible does not mention date for his birth. Pope Julius I chose December 25 in an effort to adopt and absorb the traditions of the pagan Saturnalia festival. Holding Christmas at the same time as traditional winter solstice festivals increased the chances that Christmas would be popularly embraced. On Christmas, believers attended church, then celebrated raucously in a drunken, carnival-like atmosphere similar to today’s Mardi Gras. Each year, a beggar or student would be crowned the “lord of misrule” and eager celebrants played the part of his subjects. The poor would go to the houses of the rich and demand their best food and drink. If owners failed to comply, their visitors would most likely terrorize them with mischief. Christmas became the time of year when the upper classes could repay their real or imagined “debt” to society by entertaining less fortunate citizens.

There’s too much history to fully explain what Cosmic Ray is all about, but suffice it to say he was one of Chris’ characters in my Power Enterprise superhero roleplaying game.

Here’s Cosmic Ray from the early 1990’s

Based off of a Mike Mignola pose. Probably from Cosmic Odyssey. That one is ink and watercolour.
Questions about the head size? See here.

And here’s a drawing I just did of what he would be like if I was running PE now. Now even back in the day, the ’superheroes’ working for the Federation of Earth Protection wore this sort of SWAT uniform, but for some reason the old illustration doesn’t have Ray in one. I don’t remember why, maybe Chris didn’t want him in one. Well, now he’s in one. Based on an Alan Davis pose. This one’s ink and marker. My scanner doesn’t capture true colours very well but you get the idea.